Thoughts and Feelings
by Kyasarin-B
Summary: My first oneshot translate to English. Nanao Ise remembers how she felt during the War against Aizen. She end up discovering something really important and finally wins a prize. K


Disclaimer: None of Bleach's characters belongs to me! They belong to Tite Kubo!

Apologizes: Brazilian translating her fanfic to English! Propably lots of grammar mistakes. I'm sorry…

* * *

**Thoughts and Feelings**

- Nanao-chan, you know everything, don't you? – asked that voice I know pretty well, that makes my legs tremble and my heart beat faster.

- Yes, I know. – I answer without fake modesty; after all, I really know everything. But I answered like this mostly because I wanted to hush that voice up, I couldn't say how long I would hold the mask up.

Since the end of the War against Aizen, I just cannot stop imagining how my life would be without the owner of that voice. I don't know what my life would looks like without the lively presence of Kyouraku Shunsui. This is an answer I didn't want to know.

I'm irremediably in love with him! I shouldn't, I simply shouldn't! He is the opposite of me! I mean, I'm serious, responsible, discreet, introspective, shy; and he is playful, womanizer, irresponsible, drunk, extravagant, extrovert, and, well, almost everything I'm not, except intelligent. Besides that, he is my captain! I can't get involve with my superiors!

However, every time he looks at me with those eyes, with that smile in his lips, it feels like I'm melting! Every time I think he could be dead, that I could have lost him forever, a hole shows up in my chest and I feel like falling into a endless pit, but in this moment he appears and smile at me, and everything go away. It's like his smile gives me hope that everything is good, that everything will be always like this.

I can't say how long I can wear this mask, I can't say how long I will pretend that I don't like when he makes a pass at me, or when he writes me poems about how much he does love me, when he comes out. I don't know how long I'll stand to reject his embraces or avoid him to kiss me. My fear of just be someone else in his prize list is enormous, however the fear I had of losing his was even bigger. I can't say if this feeling was already inside of me. Every time he went out with another woman, it hurts me, I felt like loosing him a little bit more, I believe the fear overflowed me when I saw the fight, when, for a mere second, I thought he would die and I would have to live without him.

All this is irrational, I mean, how can I love him this much, if we are so different of one another? Everything in him should make me just respect him, not love him the way I do, not desire him to fell the same way. Everything in him should repel me, however just the opposite occurs, he attract me. I merely love the he is, I love the way he looks at me; I love just everything on him! I know this is highly irrational, is highly inappropriate, but is something beyond my own understanding.

Sometimes I fell I should purely tell him, expose all this I fell and observer how he would react. I've learnt not to trust on my emotional side, I've learnt that merely "felling" is not a reason. I've always known that if I depend on my emotions, I wouldn't have survived after all the things I had been though. For him seems too easy, he always comes out, but for me, the fear of getting hurt is too much and paralyses me. At this very moment, he stares me, in that way which he seems to read my mind; he stares and smiles with pleasure, how he likes what he sees.

I know everything, but when it's him, I get confuse. When I think in what I would do if he was dead, two parts of me start a huge fight. The rational part says I would stay alive, that it would hurt a little for some time, but after I would learn to live without him, I would recover myself e keep on living, like he was something to overcome. The other part, the emotional part, says I would never overcome him and that living in a world without him would be impossible, I would die with him, because the pain I would fell was too much to put up with. The worst of all is that my emotional part always wins. I love him too much to lose once for all. I prefer loosing him a little bit everyday, because it heals faster. I know I'll always have a part of him with me, and that part is enough to keep on living.

- What is wrong, Nanao? – That come the voice again, but it is strange, it's worried. He never uses my name when he is kidding, what is happening?

- Wha-What do you mean, taichou? – Shit! All this time I have been crying! But why Am I crying? Why there is this huge hole in my chest? The memory that I could have lost him made this? Or the everyday lost? I can't say…

- You are crying, Nanao. You don't cry for nothing. What is wrong? – He is so cute when worries about me! He is coming! Why can't I tell what I'm feeling right now? Why can't I control myself anymore? How don't I know what is happening? I know everything! How don't I know what this is?

- It's nothing, taichou. Soon it goes away. I don't know what hits me, act like this in the middle of work. It's not proper to do it. Don't worry, I won't do this again. – he must ignore me, I can't lost the bit of control I have. I have to make him ignore me, so I can run away.

- Nanao, I don't care you're crying during the work time, but I can't stand it, without knowing what to do. I know you don't be like this for nothing, but if you don't want to tell me, I understand, but allow me to help you. – He hugs me, not that pervert hugs he gives me when he is kidding; it's a gentle embrace, consolatory. He is warn and soft. I can only snuggle myself in him and allow mw tears to roll down.

- Taichou… I… - shit! I need to be strong. I need to stop crying. I need to know what is happening! Why this dawn hole still here?

- Shhh… It's all right, you need to say nothing. I'll be here for you. You don't need to tell me what's going on, I told you. I'll be here for always. – He is so gentle with me. He picks me up and sits me on his lap. I can't say how his face looks like, all I can see is a smudge. Dawn tears! I only snuggle myself more in him, to hide my face in his chest. It looks like his warm and scent are helping me close this hole. The tears are stopping.

- Taichou, I don't know what is happening! – I finally say. But he tenses up, I can fell the muscles of him arms embrace me tighter. What is he thinking?

- What do you mean? – he is talking with that soft voice. Shit! This once he can fell my legs shaking – You know everything, Nanao-chan!

- I don't know what is happening with me! I just know that his horrible hole appeared on my chest when I remembered the fear I had of losing you during the war and what I would do if that had happened. My heart growled smaller and the hole showed up. – I think I have said too much. The tears are already gone and the smudge is going away, I can say he is staring at me with the tenderness look. The one that assures me that everything is going to be all right.

- Have you had fear of losing me, Nanao-chan? – he says it with a gentle voice, almost like the one he used when I was pretty young and I used to read with Lisa-fukutaichou.

- Of course I had! You fight with strong enemies! Including Stark, the number one Espada, he was, supposedly, the stronger! And I wasn't there to help you and… and… - dawn it! I should have never told him about the fear of losing him!

- Nanao-chan, I could never lost for any enemy I face, don't matter his power, I'll always win! Do you know why? – he keeps looking at me with That Look, but there is something more, it's brighter, something I can't identify. I hold on tighter at him. I'm pathetic! At least the hole is already gone, but now I fell something else. I think is safety, or maybe I'm happy to be in his arms. Whatever, I can just say it is good!

- No, taichou. Why? – his eyes shine intensely. What gives him certainty of winning any battle?

- Because I have the greatest motive of all to return. – he is smiling, a silly smile. He wants to say something with that smile. Dawn it! I know everything of kidous, Soul Society history, documents and all the bureaucratic and rational part of the job, but when comes to emotional, I'm the most ignorant of all!

- What is that, taichou? – it isn't an irrational question after all. I mean, there are lots of things in Soul Society that he enjoys. But I have this spark of hope in my heart, the hope that he is talking about me.

- You really don't know? – why he doesn't say it at once and end with this suspense? It is killing me!

- I can think in lots of things, taichou. Each one of them is something you like. None of them protrude. I mean, for me, drinks, women, the post of captain, I think all of this worth the same for you. – it's official! He believes I think of him as a futile person, what, in my point of view, it is not wrong. I face him direct in the eyes, I rest my hands on his arms.

- I really do like all of these. But none of them assures me the victory. None of them is real reason. – why is he so serious? Does he get mad with me for what I said? Better I start thinking in what I'll be writing in my excuse letter. I can do that later, I'm still so curious. I hope he is talking of me, after all.

- So what is it, taichou?

- The reason I know I'll win everything is I'll be able to be with you once more. I know I'll be able to stare at you all day long, Nanao-chan. I don't know if one day you will believe when I say I love you, I really do. But, since I can't have you completely, the simple fact of looking at you already make it worth. – I can't disguise the surprise look in my face! He loves me! He loves me for real! He didn't use that applicant voice, he said it like the most serious thing there is in the world.

- I love you too, Shunsui! – I said it in a whisper, but I think he heard it. I had to say something, and the only right thing to say is it! Nothing more matters, he loves me and I love him, I know against the rules, but I can't pretend anymore! I know everything can go wrong, but I cannot keep on suffering in silence. I suffer my whole life, I don't deserve suffering anymore when it's clear that life can be better!

He stares at me with a surprise but happy look, sorry, ecstasy look. He has a tender smile on his lips. My hands run to his neck and his arms enlace my waist, bring me closer to him. Our lips meet, everything is magical! I hear bells and fireworks! His lips taste like sakê, but is a sakê I don't mind to drink forever. We taste each other until our longs demand air! Damned Oxygen!

- Taichou, I believe we still in work time. We have a lot of work to do. – He kisses my neck, turning this difficult to say. But my emotional part already took over me for too long. Now it is better I use some sense and give him some too.

- We don't need to do the paperwork, Yama-jii won't punish us if we delay it just once. – he continues with his kisses, making a homeless-dog face. But we really need to finish the paperwork.

- Yamamoto-Soutaichou wouldn't mind if it was just this once – he smiles happy and keeps on kissing – but this already happened once this month, he will get furious! Let's do the paperwork. – he accepts the defeat and, really sad, move to work. He knows he can discuss with me – If we finish soon, we can go out to dinner and date a little - I say this and kiss him once more, before deliver him a lot of papers to sign. He seems to be happy with the reward.

Well, I may not know everything, as I said I did, but I'm happy for it. After all, it's a chance for him to teach me. And I know, since he is with me, everything will be fine.

* * *

Ok, I know the title is awful (I had no better ideas for it) and the fic is not the best thing in the world, but I ask you to understand that it is my first oneshot in my whole life. For me it was a great conquer, cause usually I give up writing in the middle or just stop writing and never finish.

I ask for mercy, but I accept anything! You can complain and give your suggestions, I even accept if you throw rotten tomatoes, stale bread, passed lettuce and anything you can think of.

I ask for reviews, so I can understand what I did wrong or where I can do better.

One more thing, this is different from the original Portuguese I wrote. I change some few details, create new things and corrected some others I thought it was wrong. I made the translation by myself, so it may not follow the grammar correctly. I did all I could, but probably there is lots of grammar mistakes. So I apologize now, once more.

Thanks for reading,

Until the next one!

Kisses,

Kyasarin-B.


End file.
